Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
