He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
