When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
someone owes me an orgasm
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
