So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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