I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
