I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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