I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
