Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
