david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
