I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
