I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
