Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
When did angry sex become our thing?
You pole danced in your parka.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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