I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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