apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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