Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
