apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
