I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
