I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
