I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
