I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
