im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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