after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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