Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
