i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
