dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You made out with two different species that night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
