How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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