Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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