Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
