I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
