we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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