My nipple is on Facebook.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
