I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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