So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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