We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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