my sisters under your porch take her home
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
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