i was rollin on her like bob the builder
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
