Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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