A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
