Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
only you would photoshop your dick
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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