Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
At least life still wants to fuck me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
