you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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