Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
