I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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