I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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