Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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