As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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