I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
