If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
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