Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
