DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
