He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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