I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
