well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
